Day 12/13 - Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)

I went to see Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter with great expectations. Three times I have taught the book (the last in a course called Myth and Modern Fiction) and my kids consistently picked the book as their favorite. Well drawn historical fiction, combining the vampire culture with the real history of Lincoln and wit and humor made for an engrossing story—all things that my students responded to.

I was even more pleased that Seth Grahame-Smith was scriptwriter to his own movie.

At this point, you might ask, "How could it have gone so far wrong?"

Let’s start with the positives:

• Benjamin Walker as Lincoln is wonderful. He exudes a personal charm and intelligence. Loved watching him.

• Dominic Cooper is the perfect choice for Henry, although he isn’t given much to do here.

• The period costumes and mise en scene were great. The look of Springfield and Washington and the Civil War battles were very pleasing.

The biggest negative?  Seth Grahame’Smith’s own script. I kept imaging Grahame-Smith’s conversation with the director Timur Bekmanbetov regarding  the changes with the book: 

• Cut all that true history about Lincoln. Nobody cares or will even know if it’s accurate.

• So in the book Lincoln has two buddies who help him fight the vampires, but you’ve got too many characters… the audience won’t be able to keep them straight and we don’t have the budget for more.  So Lincoln actually had four sons, we only need the one who dies while Lincoln is in the White House. Who’s going to know?

• Listen about those friends, Lincoln freed the slaves; make one of those friends of his African American… then you can just telegraph to the audience why he “loves” the slaves.

• Look we’ve hired a very pretty girl for Mary Todd. Even though Mary was rather plump, the audience will like her if she stays thin throughout the movie. And speaking of Todd, make her more important in the film.

• Now the movie needs action--big drama special effects climax. Let’s have Lincoln bring silver to the soldiers and the vampires can attack the train and the vampires set the tressel bridge on fire and Lincoln and make the audience believe that one of his buddies is betraying him. We’ll kill that one off. And let’s have Mary lead the slaves into bringing the silver through the “underground railroad”!! Brilliant!!

• We need a female vampire—one who can wear pants and look very modern who Mary gets a chance to shoot, so we know she’s a fighter like her husband.
• Remember we're making 3D so make sure almost every frame in the picture shows something in closeup so the audience knows they're watching 3D.

• And the end, let’s make the audience figure out it’s Lincoln at the bar so they’ll think they are bright.

When the credits rolled at the end, all I could think of was Tallulah Bankhead’s comment to Tennessee Williams after the opening of Orpheus Descending: “Darling, they’ve absolutely ruined your perfectly dreadful play.”

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012) **